Bum Reviews: The Human Centipede
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Oh, believe it. Chester A. Bum has taken the audacity to review this vile and sick movie beyond belief.


Author's Note: HC belongs to Tom Six and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.

…

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review:_

_**The Human Centipede**_

…

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"Incy Wincy Spoilers climbed up the water spout."

"There's…there's…" the Bum chuckled in disbelief. "There's this…this is the silliest movie I've ever seen that's not intentionally funny!"

"I think."

"There's this EVIL German doctor who likes to perform these EVIL surgeries, so he decides to go and stitch up his dogs by connecting their mouths to their anuses."

"BWA, HA-HA-HA! But it doesn't work out and they die. So get this…he then decides to perform the SAME operation, but this time replaces dogs with actual human beings!"

"AH, HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"I was a human being once!"

"I'm a bum now, but meh, it's not so bad. It's a lot better than being a penis."

"I heard that!" The high-pitched voice of the Bum's talking penis remarked.

"SHH!"

"So the EVIL German doctor kidnaps this fat truck driver who just so happens to be in the neighborhood…"

"Then we cut to these two young ladies who are driving in the middle of the night to this dance club. When all of a sudden, they're lost! And what's worse, their tire bursts and they can't call anyone with their cell phones because there's no signal!"

"That's the most original scenario I've ever seen! Unless you count Friday the 13th, Halloween, and every other senseless slasher movie made in the 80s."

"So then this fat German dude drives by and sees them, and he's like-"

"_Ya ich schtein furt unt ein stein nacht ick david hasselhoff!"_

"And the ladies are like-"

"_Wha…?"_

"And the German dude is like-"

"_Aw, to hell with you sluts."_

"So he drives away and the ladies wander off into the woods in the rain, where they stumble across this house made entirely out of chocolates, lollipops and all sorts of tasty-gorgeous candy!"

"Or was that just my crack fantasy?"

"Either way, the EVIL German doctor lives there, and he invites the ladies into his comfortable home, where he comfortably drugs them so that they could be part of his next experiment."

"I was in an experiment once! Doctors said they wanted my urine sample, but I ended up drinking it because I thought it was Gatorade."

"So the ladies wake up in these beds right next to the fat truck driver seen previously, and the EVIL German doctor comes in and is like-"

"_You're no good, anymore. I will inject you with this dangerous liquid that I don't even know the name of."_

"And the fat truck driver is like-"

"_Who, me?"_

"_Yeah you, Porky."_

"So the EVIL German doctor gets a replacement, and it's this non-English talking Asian guy, who doesn't know what the hell's going on! And while the EVIL German doctor is explaining his experimental procedures, the ladies are like-"

"_NO! Please, don't do this!"_

"And the Asian guy's shaking in his bed and is like-"

"_Kore ga nanda koto iu jya nai darazo ura!"_

"So one of the ladies breaks free, but instead of running away to find help…" the Bum stopped to hold his giggles. "…now get this! She ACTUALLY goes back into the basement to free her unconscious friend, and wouldn't ya know it, she gets caught…AGAIN!"

"Way to go, Nancy Drew!"

"So the EVIL German doctor pulls out all these teeth and skin and stitches the first lady's mouth to the Asian guy's anus, and the first lady's anus to the second lady's mouth. And whaddya get? A HUMAN CENTIPEDE!"

"GYA, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

The Bum collapsed to the floor in a painful fit of laughter, kicking his feet to the ceiling.

"So the EVIL German doctor takes his pet around the garden and feeds it dog food. At one point, the Asian guy needs to take a dump, and since his digestive system is connected, the lady, whose mouth is attached to his anus, swallows all his crap up whole. And all this time, the Asian guy is praying for forgiveness…yeah…"

Silence.

"Totally serious."

Silence again.

"Now, I know that you're expecting me to make a disgusting joke here."

"Oh, she's biting his ass…he's pooping on his girlfriend…they're having fecal sex."

"It's like something that Angry Video Game dude would say in one of his angry video game rants. How come that Critic guy hates him so much anyway?"

Silence once again.

"Aw, come on. Don't look at me that way! At least I don't treat MY human centipede like a dog!"

"I ride on its back like a choo-choo train."

"So then we find out that one the ladies is dying from…God knows what, and the EVIL German doctor is like-"

"_You have puss coming out of your cheek. We must find another victim so that we can replace you and-"_

_Ding-dong!_

"_Oh, I wonder who that could be."_

The Bum walked casually across the screen from right to left.

"_Hello?"_

"_Police."_

"_SHAIZA!"_

The Bum raced in panic across the screen from left to right, chattering:

"_Gotta hide the evidence! Gotta hide the evidence!"_

"But it's too late because the centipede has gotten loose and attacks the EVIL German doctor with a scalpel, and then starts CRAWLING up these long stairs, and tries to smash the window to break free!"

"But to no avail. The Asian guy contemplates about the sad circumstances he's in and he's like-"

"_I'm going to cut myself because we Japanese are very philosophically minded and love to commit suicide in our overly clichéd and pretentious drama films."_

_Slash!_

"_UGH!"_

"Meanwhile, the cops crash into the house and have a MASSIVE gun fight with the EVIL German doctor."

"It's like in 'The Matrix' but without the exciting bits."

"Then they all die."

"HOORA…AY?"

"So the last surviving lady remains trapped between the dead emo Asian guy who slashed himself in the throat and her best dead friend who…God knows what she died from."

"THE END!"

"That's it? Wow, what a weird place to end such a weird film…"

"But who cares? The moral of this story is, never to go ass-to-mouth with any stranger you don't know…unless you've got a license."

"I've got a license. So if you'll excuse me, I have to go lick my poor neighbor's hamster."

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"

**Seriously though, a human centipede? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?**

"Come on, I'll let you take a ride on MY human centipede. It's called the Orient Express."


End file.
